Revolution Chaos Tape – Yoko Ono, June 4, 1968

Yoko Ono: John, I miss you already again. I miss you very much. Today is Tuesday and first we went to the office and then now we’re at the recording studio. We went to the office and then we went to see a film, sort of a lousy animation film, but then we saw the Tiny Tim little plug on Tiny Tim on the Johnny Carson Show or something, that was very good. And then we came to the studio, Pat told me, they found that there’s a little review on John and my show at the Art’s Lab, the review’s on the Observer briefing or something, Sunday Observer, and this Anthony Fawcett called and said that, you have to meet to give a statement for this national show that John and I are going to be in. Also, John told me that this record album or something that we’re going to make, probably has to, either be under my name only or like Doris and Peter, or something like that, you know, changing . . . name, but I told like either ideas, they’re just terrible. I think that if that happens, I’d rather just make private record that limited edition record that you just give out to friends, maybe 50 of them or something like that and keep quiet publicly than do that. Because it’s so kind of sentiment thing. But also, it’s done publicly, the message is so beautiful that, actually it’s a not kind of “should be kept privately,” because the message is going to be so beautiful. That “I’m finished it” and all that, it’s going to sort of light up the world, especially the two of us naked, taken with a fish eye camera and all that. Just that message is beautiful, but it’s such a drag and the fact that I don’t like the idea of Doris and Peter kind of thing, because simply the names are not nice as Yoko Ono or John Lennon. Not the name value, but the names. Well, it’s the name value too, I mean, like Yoko Ono or John, like just rebels or something, there’s a dream to the name and that has to come across too. I don’t know, it’s such a drag because whenever I say something like that I have to sort of still worry that . . . hell, I don’t have to worry, because I’m sure John understands me by now, but like . . . if his name means something, you know, “I want to use it,” or something, but if anything that’s not what it is at all, if anything because that would be detrimental to me, all the girls that are going to be, I don’t know, I just can’t imagine what it’s going to be like, but it’s going to be hell for sure, for some reason or another. Like they would all hate me or something, like in the Art’s Lab scene, but the Art’s Lab scene it turns out that was cleared. I understand that they’re starting to feel much better about us because of the pieces, because the pieces are so nice and they started to understand that, which is really nice I think. Betty Pippen (?) and those people apologized to me actually, because they started to understand, and that’s very nice. I think the pieces speak for itself in a way, and also our attitude would speak for itself too, like now they more or less, sort of sense my attitude, which is like “actually, I couldn’t care less,” you know, that’s the feeling. “I couldn’t care less” is the kind of feeling, the unfinishedness and all that, that’s the most important thing, that I care, because the message of that is almost close to John’s seed piece, in other words, seed piece is like the most unfinished piece, sort of waiting to grow and my unfinished pieces, that is precisely that, but the nice thing about John’s piece is that there’s no melancholy about it, and I mean the seed is going to grow. But my unfinished piece, has a melancholy about it too, like, and that may be good but these days I think I like John’s positiveness much more than that kind of melancholy. But I’m very very happy now and I’m just sort of scared, if I can get over this scary feeling, then everything’s going to be all right. The reason why I am so scared is because it seems almost unbelievable, I can’t believe, that’s what it is. I just can’t believe and yet, I can’t go back, there’s no way . . . turning back. Well, those are the things that sort of make me feel so scared, every day I think, oh, it can’t be, I couldn’t be like that. I mean, today’s going to be different, I’m not going to miss him at all and I’m probably going to be turned off . . . something and even when I’m . . . senses on all my nerves, well that’s like a fairy story, and I get paranoiac, and yet it’s there, it’s always there. I suppose there are some people who are really like that, maybe once every century or something, that when a meeting is really really good, probably that happens, maybe once every two centuries or something or probably people who have that kind of relationship never bother to tell it to others and nobody really believes it, so that we don’t know about it. But it’s amazing that it does exist. And it’s amazing that the only time that I remember about my promiscuity is when I feel so insecure that I feel intentionally that I have to bring that out in me, to sort of protect myself. But other than that it never is there. And but I still feel that I have to hold back because I’m not quite sure if you feel that way or that’s like a kind of strange calculation maybe, you know, that’s the kind of calculation bit that, the cleverness bit, you know, like holding back, because you don’t know what another person’s feelings are. But one has to protect oneself in a way or should one?

John Lennon: Do you know if you booked a call to Italy?

Y: No. To Italy? [cut]

Y: So now John tells me that . . . if I had booked a telephone call to Italy, which I didn’t. Though I should have, really. But anyway, oh, and Bill said that he got a very nice place for me, and he’s found it a very nice place for me. It’s overlooking the park, the Hyde Park, it’s quiet. It’s on the third floor, both rooms are facing the park and the sky. It’s just the two rooms are rather small, but I don’t mind that and very tiny kitchenette, but just very nice. And a toilet and bathroom which are very nice and they’re all painted white and has a very pale gold what you call it, fiited carpet. So that’s sounds really great. Tomorrow morning or something maybe I should go and see it. And even if it’s temporary I can always give it, give the lease to somebody I suppose, because it sounds like a very cheap place. So that, the location and all that.

J: Do you want a bird?

Y: No thank you.

J: Are you sure you don’t want a bird?

Y: No. The location and all that it’s less than 20 pound a week, meaning like 18 pounds or something I guess it comes to, because it’s 800 to rent and central heating and all that so it sounds all very nice. But . . . and then I found out something else, that Andy Warhol and Mario Meyer shot today in New York, I’m so glad that I wasn’t there. Because I would like to be there if I were in New York, oh, but that’s something that I should tell John, it’s so funny Mario used to, because he’s a fag, I guess I don’t know what it is, but anyway he was very, I think he’s a real fag, as much as he could as a fag, I think terribly interested in me and all that so what he does is he would just sort of like touch me on the neck or like on my back or something like that or sort of scratch my arm or something like that when I’m talking to somebody. And then he said, “This girl is amazing, she doesn’t even notice!” You know, and make me feel like I’m a real frigid woman, which was true because I really never noticed and I was going “Oh, you were scratching me or something” it was just annoying, you know. But most of the time I didn’t even notice because I was sort of deep in some conversation or something like that, and they made me used to wonder “my god, if I were sensitive at all, no matter what I was doing, if he would touch me or something I should notice,” and that used to bother him. But that’s how I was, you see, it’s amazing. Some are panicky because I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight. Cindy’s coming back maybe. Are we going back to Weybridge or are we going to stay here? All that, you see. I’m starting to miss you again, but I’m rather happy now because, well no, not really. That’s John doing something on the electric guitar. I have to remember, tomorrow about finding about getting John’s handprint for, and about getting the latest clothes for the July event. Beautiful. I was going to say something, but that’s not all really but . . . it’s too bad that I’m not close to anybody if ever we had an aura I’m sure that John’s aura and my aura are both just huge and brilliant, and maybe all shining. Anyway, probably both of us. Oh, another thing that today sort of was about Kyoko, because we got a telegram saying that Tony left for Paris, that’s a telegram from Peter Bendrey and that means probably that Peter Bendrey was not able to see Tony and try to call Victor Herbert know to try to find out where Tony is, but I don’t know where. Sounds all terribly strange. I’m very worried about Kyoko. I hope she doesn’t resent me when she gets older, about this incident, but things will be much better, we have to knock wood for that, cross fingers. So Zauf Relly (?) is here and probably have to see, he’s a film director.

P: John? Is it just organ and drums?

J: That was the thing, yeah.

P: Okay.

J: I can’t hear that, a bit quick. But if we have a listen to it, we might be able, what do you think? I can’t . . .

P: Just organ and drums.

J: Can you think of anything else?

P: No. Just. . .

J: Oh yeah, that’s the end.

P: Yeah, just organ and drums.

J: Should we just tape this?

Y: I wish John was in me right now, inside of me.

J: Well, I tell you what, you don’t need to play it. Anybody can play it, if you don’t feel like playing it. Can you give Paul the organ?

Y: So, I was just thinking about it. It’s so important that you come inside me, instead of coming in my head or something. You see, and then you say that there’s no difference, but if you understand the difference of that, that’s when you would really start to understand what it means to love somebody it sort of occurred to me that . . . and the other thing is sex, in other words, like just physical sex senses, that the sensual things, but this bed is like all life reaching, reaching each other and giving something. And the fact that you gave me your sperm, I don’t know, probably. At some time of your life you had a situation where you became scared of a straight relationship, of giving to each other and instead of giving to women, you’d rather spit on the sky or shoot it to the sky kind of thing. I mean you said it, that’s like a strange kind of nihilism of kind of a “fuck you all” kind of thing. It’s avoiding, avoiding something. Avoiding communication. It’s like you don’t want to. It’s almost like my piece in Grapefruit, where I say that if someone wants to kiss you, give them a mask instead of yourself. A mask to be kissed. If someone wants to . . want to drink, then don’t give him the drink, but pour the drink into the mouth of the mask, instead. Things like that, like a kind of avoiding the real contact, always passing each other but without recognizing each other as a person.

J: Stop!

Y: I think it’s almost like strange paranoid relief that you feel almost like saying oh, a relationship that’s built between a taxi driver and himself is just like a one time thing and it’s just much more relaxed than a relationship between somebody that you know, that you would see again. And that’s what it is, I guess. I mean it’s my paranoia too. But that’s something that’s frightening me. That’s something that we have to face together. See what it is, and well, like go through it together. And once you know that it’s there, it’s easier to cope it. Like, in my case, for a long time, it was expressed in a different sense, like, I used to like somebody very much, and then I was too shy to tell him or something, and then it’s easier for me to make with someone that I don’t love, and just imagine that I’m making it with a guy that I like, and that kind of thing. And that’s just sickness, it’s just a kind of cowardly thing, but I still have that I guess. And each time that I make it with you, each time that I, I want you and I express my want for you, to you, I’m making a fantastic effort because, playing straight is so difficult, so embarrassing. But I know that that’s that this is my last chance and I couldn’t just endlessly go in that game of avoiding reality and just making it in a more casual simple way. I mean, that’s that game is, it’s not a game, it’s like a bad habit or something, that I have to sort of get rid of, if I ever want to be happy. I wonder if all this makes sense to you.* I wonder maybe it’s just my paranoia to think that you don’t understand me. Probably we understand each other, much more than we think. But, there’s always this thing about saying “do you understand what I mean, do you? Do you?” you know. I wish I could get rid of my paranoia and like relax, relax to feel that I have at least a year time to build our relationship on, to think that we have the next day, that we are certain that we have the next day, rather than to think that every day is like the last day. I don’t know if I was talking right now, I gonna try. Now after playing for like half an hour, or something, you look all excited, and your skin is all red, and sweaty like you had a glass of beer or something like that, which I know you didn’t. I like it when you can love someone . . . cause I never did . . . I guess. Nothing that I notice today that I really feel proud of, is that for instance, your handwriting, it’s always been like, all your letters were going backwards, leaning backwards, which means tremendous insecurity. But today I’ve seen, that all your letters were leaning forward, not all, but most of them were sort of leaning forward. At least that you’re suddenly starting to, instead of being reticent, starting to become forward and aggressive. Which is like a very normal thing, for men. Their leaning backwards handwriting is typical of, sort of, insecure, terribly insecure high school girl or something like that. It’s very rare to see it in a man, did you know that? And when I saw, when I first saw your handwriting, I was really amazed ‘cause you very rarely see that in a man. And I always felt that I saw your secret there, in something, but now, it’s starting to change, and it’s beautiful. Why, why that insecurity? And the passiveness, paranoia, I hate to say, but I really think that that had a lot to do with, with her, your marriage. Or maybe you were like that, and that’s how your marriage became that. I don’t know, that seems like a long relationship like that, would really screw somebody up. Like I was screwed up. That it could screw up, screw people up, rather. Then again, it could be a good thing. But anyway that handwriting, and your marriage, somehow I felt that sort of an intuitive thing, the first time I saw it, I thought that there was a definite connection.

Y: What

J: What are you saying

Y: I’m just saying how I miss you.

J: Well, ladies and gentleman, I also miss her, and it’s a terrible feeling. Alone in a crowded room.

Y: You look so nice when you’ve been playing awhile, and perspiring and everything. It’s looks like you had a drink or something . . . so insecure about something and about. . .

J: Wouldn’t have time to.

Y: John is playing the drum that is playing. I don’t know why, but somehow, anything that I say, will turn into whatever problem, tactical problem. See for most it’s not important, and I’m just saying it because I wasn’t kind of thing that a . . . . feels when you had cigarettes that past each other that there was a bit of a contact there all the time. Somehow now, if I say something, it seems that the contact is lost. And it’s silly because actually all I want to do is to just not say anything. Oh, John, I really miss you, you don’t know how. [singing begins] I don’t know you. . ..

J: Smashing Rooney the steak.

Y: ‘Cause I don’t know you.

J: Oh, no it is too late for me.

Y: ‘Cause I don’t know you.

J: I have been stab-bed in the brass vertebrae.

Y: Who did that?

J: I did it myself.

Y: Don’t you ever do that.

J: I must do it now and then to keep myself in tune.

Y: No, you mustn’t do anything without me.

J: I wasn’t exactly doing it without you. I was just doing it in the corner. Oh, Mother McRae. Excuse me. I must just let myself reek a minute. Because I’m sweating to my boots I’m going to have a look at the photographs of the family. [end of singing]

Y: Okay.

J: It’s the other day, at the party.

Y: Which party?

J: The you know, the opening of Apple.

Y: Oh, I want to see it then.

George Martin: I’d rather set it to this, to make everyone happy.

J: What’s that?

GM: The end of it, really, I’ll waste time when you’re trying to find out.

GM: Okay, let’s go.

Y: John, I miss you again.

J: I don’t know, you see. It depends if we’re . . . how loud it’s going to be on the actual . . I don’t mind all that echo.

Y: Oh, I must find out if Bill had taken any of us in his film, will check up with Bill tomorrow.

J: I haven’t heard the organ yet.

Y: I had a mic open.

J: When did you come in Paul just then?

Y: And I couldn’t say anything ‘cause I was just watching John.

Paul McCartney: I don’t know, I was just looking at you.

Y: And now, Paul says that John says something, and then Paul said, “No, no I was just looking at you.”

J: Jumped you in, but you didn’t come in till then, did you? Just before.

P: No, I.

J: You’re not going to come in any earlier?

Y: So that’s almost funny, cause that’s what I was doing too.

J: It sounded very nice all of you anyway, so that’s it now. That’s it, great, so we’ll do it each time.

GM: Okay, here we go.

Y: After the initial embarrassment, that how Paul is being very nice to me, he’s nice and a very, str- on the level, straight, sense, like wherever there’s something like happening at the Apple, he explains to me, as if I should know. And also whenever there’s something like they need a light man, or something like that he asks me if I know of anybody, things like that. And like I can see that he’s just now suddenly changing his attitude, like his being, he’s treating me with respect, not because it’s me, but because I belong to John. I hope that’s what it is because that would be nice. And I feel like he’s my younger brother or something like that. I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat, because there’s something definitely very strong with me, John, and Paul. And. . .

J: Ringo, you’re just a bit out with him.

Ringo Starr: Okay.

J: Yeah, Paul. Do come in lad.

Y: And probably among those three people of George and Ringo and Paul. Paul is the one I feel the vibration, sort of sense it.

J: If you knew, what we’d been through while you’ve been gone, I can tell you. . .

Y: That something is . . . among the . . .

GM: Okay, let’s go.

Y: You know, ‘cause Ringo and George, I just can’t communicate. I mean, I’m sure that George and Ringo, they’re very nice people. That’s not the point. I think that’s because being ostracized by Libra, Gemini, and Aquarius. It’s just that, this thing about the constant threat that this is the last day, this is the last day, this is the last day. I just can’t stand it . . . it just makes me go insane. I wish I could just take out one nerve in me, in my brain or something, so that I would at least be able to function without going insane. At least if I knew that I have another week with John or something, or something. I mean, this situation almost reminds me of the time that, in the war when I used to carry that poison pill, thinking that in any minute that I have to die. Well, I should just think that . . . I was just thinking that John should be just as insecure as I am . . . actually. Certainly in a better position than I am. Alright, so Paul and I . . . immediately find somebody, but then that’s like death. That’s what I was talking about when John talked about wearing leather things, and I said that there are many ways you’re killing. So, Bill told me that the Art’s Lab opened, he wanted to take films of us together, but he hesitated because he felt that probably it could bother us or something. And it’s not being sort of discreet if he take a film of us. I guess most people think that way, that’s why they’re not photographing at the door. It’s amazing I think what John did in the Revolution, with his voice it’s really beautiful, it’s so sexy too. And now he has his blouse off, he only has an undershirt on. I think he looks too sexy really. Yeah, now I was wondering what I should say, and Ringo was looking at me, and he sort of smiled and nodded. He probably thinks I’m just crazy, just having a microphone and a mug and not saying anything and sort of, anyway. Now George is looking at me and smiling too. I must really look crazy when I have a microphone with me. John is such a genius. This is the first time that just once in a while, I almost get jealous of his talent, which is really amazing because I was never jealous of any artist. Whenever I get sad about his work, I almost feel like kneeling down and kissing his feet. This is the sea dog, here the most beautiful, and it’s amazing that another artist like thought of it, it’s almost like the only thing that I would think of it, and that I would think about it, but this time, there’s another artists who thought of it, and I just can’t get over that. It’s the most beautiful thing. I just have to [cut]

But I’m watching you from the side, but I think it’s amazing, you look like a real nervous wreck. You’re a very nervous person, apparently. You looked that way, suddenly I remembered you looked that way when I first came to EMI to pick up some scores, I mean, a manuscript from you, you looked like somebody who was terribly nervous and difficult, and feel like a difficult artist or something. If I had seen you that way, probably, I’d be scared, if I didn’t know you, and all that, if I just meet you that way. I wonder what John really is thinking about. You really look like a tense, nervous person. Why do you look so difficult? Like as if you want to scare a guy or something, I think that’s amazing. Anybody who has some project in their mind to approach you with or something would really be scared with that look. But it’s kind of nice, it’s very masculine [cut] or something. I don’t know how you have that shift of character of very sharp, strong eyes and sometimes very soft and beautiful eyes. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m following you too much. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m looking at you too much and so I haste to go near you. Right now you’re in the other room, and I’m just sort of embarrassed, and I don’t know if I should be coming or not. But you’re in my mind all the time, so I guess that’s what it is. You look so intense. And maybe you’re angry or something with me, I don’t know. So I’m afraid to go near you now.

P: Is there another way to paradise? Da do da. . .

Y: But it’s nice to see you that way too.

P: That’s what we need now. Either another bit of this which is like de de. . . de the paradise.

Y: I think I’m going to go. George Martin looks much better now to me because now that I found out that he’s from a working class . . . in a Renaissance painting or something, but almost gold, and it’s . . . at the same time . . . I’m so nervous now because I’m always trying to find out when Cyn is coming back.

P: Jot the melody down.

GM: Can you hear me?

Y: I feel like running out of this room. This is Tuesday, sixth of June, 1968. If anybody in the world would know how I feel now, because I’m the most insecure person in the world right now. Is this what love is? It’s so unfair that you have to suffer so much for loving someone. John is not here, he went out into the hall. I don’t know for what. He’s out for a long time. I think probably he’s calling home, I don’t know. He’s been with her for over a decade and their other child, I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t want to think about it. It’s either that he had a terribly weak character or he was in love to her. I just don’t want to think about it. I’ve never been with anyone for so long so I wouldn’t know. If I think very hard, then I know, I mean I don’t even think I have to think hard, I just get so jealous about it I almost think I’m going to go insane.

J: Okay.

GM: Let’s do it.

J: Voices on the, which one, with the new voices.

GM: You want that flange as well.

J: Well, for the final one. You don’t have to do it now, though.

GM: We can do it now, if you want, then. As long as we know where it happens.

J: Well, it just happens all the way through, whenever they’re in. Just straight flange.

Y: John made a beautiful loop and he’s throwing that in the Revolution. It’s very intense and onto. . .

GM: Okay, let’s go then, let’s go.

J: So we just leave them on then, flange.

GM: Leave them on, yeah.

J: And just mess about a bit when it’s guitar part in.

Engineer: Don’t want to flange the verses always.

J: The new . . just the one that goes ‘mommy daddy mommy daddy’.

E: They come in and toss anyway, and just flange the rest.

J: But what else is on it, there’s nothing else on that track.

E: No. But we have to set on that machine, what we want to flange you see.

J: We only want to flange, so it won’t harm it, would it? So what are you saying, then?E: What am I saying? He’s confused me.

J: I see, right. Let’s go baby! [cut]

GM: Like we did last summer.

J: Right, everything. Less of the new tracks that’s all, on the beginning, all right more of them.

E: Revolution, RM1 of take

J: Take your knickers off and let’s go. I’m happy to be here, it’s wonderful.

E: Revolution, revolution take 20.

Y: Probably I should be asking . . . I just don’t have the courage. I know tomorrow that probably we’ll miss, stop pretending.

*J: George, don’t get in the way of the organ again.

Y: It’s just that I miss you so much and . . . and you said that you’re going to gain weight because of me eating and all that. You look skinnier than at the time when I met you or something. I understand how somebody with our relationship don’t you think? Like we’re so . . . you know.