Michael Lindsay-Hogg: Tony, Denis is going to be worried about the footage again, don’t tell him you’re shooting.
Paul: No, no, we’re not shooting.
Michael: Tony, don’t tell him you’re shooting, tell him a lie.
Paul: He knows that little red light’s shooting.
John: Good evening!
?: We got some more casting to do this afternoon Paul?
John: Welcome to panorama.
Peter Sellers: Hello there.
Peter: How are you? Nice to meet you.
Paul: We need your help.
John: Pull up a star’s seat.
Paul: We’d like to do a little introduction for the Ed Sullivan Show.
Peter: Oh yeah. Very good.
John: We’ve been lucky enough this evening to secure the talents of Mr. Peter Sellers here, who’s going to give us “Number Three.”
Peter: Yes. Number three, folks, number three. Number three.
John: How about that, folks? That was “Number Three” from Peter Sellers! Now onto the next round.
Peter: Number three, folks. And there’s more where that came from.
John: It’s not often you get a chance . . . If we ask him really nicely, he’ll probably do “Number Five.”
Peter: Yes, I might. [laughs]
John: Over to you, Peter!
Paul: He is doing “Number Five.”
Peter: I can’t count that far these days.
John: Never mind.
Peter: I used to be able to. [laughs] So, what are we . . .
Paul: This is the. . .
John: It’s a documentary of how the Beatles work.
Michael: It’s a spontaneous documentary.
Paul: This is just. . .
Kevin: Uh, M.L.H.?
Kevin: You’re wanted on the pipe.
Michael: On the telephone? Okay.
Paul: You meet everybody on film these days to keep them at their ease, you know. We meet a lot of film people.
John: We want to share with the world what we have Peter, and this is what we have.
Yoko: Or what we haven’t.
John: We feel we shouldn’t keep it all to ourselves, we should spread it out, you know.
Peter: Yes, yes, yes.
John: You und- . . . you know what I mean.
Peter: In line with the new thought, yes.
John: Oh yes.
Paul: Number nine.
Peter: [laughs] Yeah. I’m notoriously bad at this type of thing.
Paul: You noticed we are too. It’s half of the fun. Whoever gets the worst joke. . .
Ringo: Not me.
Ringo: Not me, son.
John: Of Eamonn Andrews’ flow of these situations.
Paul: I think you’re vain, untalented, and singularly unglamorous.
John: And also, I should get my hair straightened.
Paul: Wake up, Lennon.
John: Wake up, Lennon, it’s about time.
Peter: What . . . what are we discussing at this moment? What’s the . . .
Paul: The film.
Yoko: The issue.
Paul: What would you like, Denis?
Joe McGrath: Say hello to your dad!
Ringo: Hello, father!
Peter: Oh, hello Youngman. Ah, that’s an interesting . . .
Paul: Don’t tell me it’s a plug, don’t tell me it’s a plug. Yes.
Peter: You’re the casting director again . . .
Ringo: Don’t tell me it’s a plug.
Paul: Part Phoenix for the Anglican vicar.
Peter: [laughs] That’s very good, very good.
Paul: Music by Fender? Athen by guard? There’s just no stopping us. No, it’s the sets, you know, they inspire me.
Joe: Any music now?
Paul: No, no. At the moment?
Paul: No, not really. We’re just . . . it’s a script conference.
Joe: Yeah, I heard the interview.
Paul: No, this is . . . we just sort of sit here and allow ourselves to be embarrassed, about this time every day. We just sort of put ourselves through the torture of being filmed. Having nothing to say, and just sort of wiggling nervously. This is the film, I think we’ve got the format, you know. Just a line of chairs. . .
John: If I could change the tempo a little now, and go into a faster kind of number, called. . .
Denis O’Dell: We were going to ask John to the mixing of the film, at the end.
Peter: Number nine, there you go.
Ringo: A tape for them.
Paul: A little something we’d like to ask you, John.
Ringo: Or for us, being in the film.
John: What kind of tape?
Paul: Now, I had another idea, which is Ringo could do it himself.
Ringo: Like “number nine.”
John: Oh sure, you know.
John: It depends how much you’ve got, you know, and how long you want.
Denis: Yeah, it’s not that much, it’s about . . .
Paul: John doesn’t deliver the goods. John is known not to deliver the goods.
John: Denis O’Dell deals where I get ten per cent if it’s shown in Afghanistan, otherwise I don’t get anything. But if you want some sounds . . .
Denis: Well, this is okay, because this is ten per cent of it shown in Mars. This one, because it is in Mars.
John: Well, I’m a progressive, Denis, as you know, and I have great hope for the future.
Denis: That’s why we came here, number nine.
John: How long do you want?
Denis: I think it’s about a minute and a half.
John: A minute and a half? Well, we just made it.
Denis: Two minutes, though, John.
Denis: And it’s exactly that. Because that was super.
Denis: Yeah, great.
John: I specialize in that field, you know?
Denis: Yeah, great. Tops in his field.
John: Oh yes. Ninth best-dressed male pop singer in the world, you know, you’re talking to. No mean city, yes.
Peter: No nervous breakdowns.
John: Look out Tom Jones, I say.
John: I do, you know.
Peter: Don’t mention that to me. I went through that the other night.
Ringo: Has it been on?
Ringo: When is it on?
Peter: I did it.
Ringo: It’s on?
Peter: Oh, it was murder. It was stop and start all the way. No, I don’t know. And when I turned my cut on there was nothing left. [laughs] I went through in silence.
Denis: No, it’s no use. I’m leaving.
John: That’s my fear.
Peter: What’s that?
John: Doing a Mickey Rooney, or a Joe Louis. Wrestling on the Eamonn Andrews Show. They’ll pay your tax back. A fortunate position to put ourselves in.
Paul: We’ve still got our trade.
John: Yeah. How do you get out of it?
John: You just sort of roll out.
Peter: I think the best way is to put the phone down and say, “no thank you,” you know.
Paul: Jimmy Edwards speaking.
John: This is an answering service and I refuse to answer.
Yoko: This is where it is, isn’t it?
John: Oh, no that’s got to go to the office.
Yoko: So how shall we do that?
John: Uh, Kevin, Joe?
John: Oh, this has got to go to the office now, actually.
Yoko: To Derek, right?
John: To Derek.
Ringo: Can we have some tea?
John: Unaccustomed as I am to pubic hair, I’d just like to say. . .
Peter: That’s very kind of you all, but I must be off.
Paul: This is the bit they always cut. About this time.
Michael: No, no, keep it in.
John: It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened.
Yoko: There’s no business like no business.
Michael: Like show business or there’s no business like writing to the Hogg.
John: Would you like to run through your lines, you two? I’d love to see it.
Ringo: I’d like to see them.
John: Oh, you haven’t seen the lines.
Ringo: I saw last year’s lines.
Peter: Last year’s lines were great.
Ringo: Yes. They were the funniest lines, I hope we keep to them. All right, Joe.
Paul: Meet with Mac, the new Stones?
Joe: What was that?
Ringo: I was just talking about you.
Joe: What? What did you say?
Ringo: I said, “Hello Joe.”
Joe: I knew I heard that somewhere.
Paul: It’s a happiest belated Hogmanay for Marmalade.
Joe: Scottish Marmalade.
Paul: It’s a bra feeling, it’s enough to make haggis grow legs. But tonight we’ll celebrate on Irish whiskey, said Gene Pitney. I’m the only Sassenach in the group.
John: I married her because she was there, says Gene Pitney.
Paul: Says Marmalade. Says Tiny Tim.
John: Of course, if it wasn’t for Negroes, we wouldn’t be here, you see. None of us, no. That’s what they forget.
Cameraman: Roll 143A slate 244A.
John: Is it Ethel?
Joe: Is Miranda there?
Denis: They don’t get any smaller, Mike.
Michael: No, would you like one?
Denis: No thanks. Don’t think I could keep my balance with them.
Peter: Well, I’d like to let you fellows. . .
John: Peter, it’s been. . .
John: You know, a long time I’ve been . . .
Peter: John, I really. . .
John: Remember when I gave you that grass in Piccadilly?
Peter: I do, man, it really stoned me out of my mind. It’s really Acapulco gold, wasn’t it?
Peter: That was really fantastic. I’m not selling any, right now. I’m sorry.
John: No, which they have now given up, you know, as stated by Hunter Damier [sic] in the Beatles’ actual life story.
Peter: [laughs] Well, I’m sorry about that fellows, but I, you know, I find it if I’d known I was going to see you quick I would have had some on me.
Peter: Because I know how you love it.
Paul: Yeah, yeah.
Peter: Sure, I dig.
Paul: Sure. Gotcha Pete.
Peter: You got it? And. . .
Paul: Can you dig it?
Peter: Oh yes, dig it dig it.
Paul: Got it.
Joe: Do you want to make the scene for the gents’ lavatory?
Peter: That’s a groove, as they say. Well guys, see you.
John: Bye bye.
Paul: Too much, Pete.
John: Way out.
Peter: Way out.
John: Just don’t leave the needles lying around, you know, we’ve got a bad reputation now with John getting busted and that. I know what it’s like for showbiz people, they’re under a great strain and they need a little relaxation.
Ringo: That’s why he’s going to bed.
John: It’s a choice between that and exercise, you know, and drugs win hand down, I say hand down.
Yoko: Well, shooting is exercise.
John: Shooting is exercise, oh yeah.
Ringo: Especially for the birds.