John speaking

"HELLO listeners everywhere and welcome to John Lennon In His Own Speak. I am writing these pages with the human voice which is quite different to speaking them with a fountain pen so don't expect any of that Liddypool and Eric Hearble stuff. In any case that stuff's worth nine and a tanner a bookful so it's far too precious to go chucking around.

Eee Bah Goom It's Good To Be Back 'Ome, Like, And That. Nothing wrong with America, of course, as long as you like living in boxes. I suppose all that police security must have seemed necessary to the police but we felt terrible about being herded into our hotel rooms like scared cattle. Wherever we went from city to city there were thousands of kids waiting to welcome us but the police convoys whisked us away and we'd have welcomed more opportunities of saying 'Hello' to American Beatle People. Still, it was a fabulous trip. Even more exciting than our first visit. By the way--did you know there were two George Harrisons on the tour? One with a guitar and a lot of hair and another one with a typewriter and much less hair. The second one was George Harrison of the Liverpool Echo.

Questions All The Way

ALMOST every day throughout the tour we had a big press conference with deejays and journalists all firing different questions at us at the same time. 'Is it true you're leaving to write a musical, John?' 'Is it true you're writing another book, John?' 'Is it true you're writing a film script, John?' No, I'm not leaving The Beatles. Yes, I'd love to have a bash at doing a musical with Paul, but goodness knows when we'll find some free time to work on it. Yes I want to write another book and I've already got quite a bit of material hanging around in my head for it but I've no idea when there'll be enough to take along to the publishers. Yes, the idea of writing a complete screenplay appeals to me but I'm not sure I could manage it. No, I don't think I'll write the script for our next film. Yes, we will be making another film early next year. No, it hasn't got a title yet. 'Have you ever written a whole song all on your own?' No, the room is usually crowded.

Now We're Home

WHAT next then, now that we're home? Before the British concert tour begins we'll have to spend a few days with George Martin in the recording studios. There's the next single to be made (perhaps we'll have recorded it by the time you see this issue) and we'll need to do some work on our next LP. Want to have a good long chat with Peter Yolland before very long. He produced our Christmas Show last year at Finsbury Park. This year he's going to split himself in half and do our Christmas show at Hammersmith and Gerry's production, 'Gerry's Christmas Cracker', up in Liverpool, Leeds and Glasgow. He's trying to work out whether to split himself downwards or across. How will poor Peter spend Christmas Day? Will his head and left arm be on Merseyside and his right foot in Hammersmith?

What can I tell you about myself which you have not already found out from those who do not lie? Being born on 9 October 1940 I wasn't the first Beatle to happen. Ringo, being born on 7 July 1940, was. Although he didn't happen as a Beatle until much later than the rest of us having played with his beard at Butlins and things before realising where his awful destiny lay. I am married ('There you are. I told you he was. Now he's let the cat out of the bag. What a lovely secret to tell everyone. What do you mean they already know?'). I wear glasses. ('What a terrible thing, poor John, having to do that. I know my brother has to wear them but . . . '). I am half of a song-writing team. ('I believe them. I'm sure they really write all their own songs. But I wonder who writes the music and who writes the words'). I get very mad at thick people who say daft things, it says in a magazine I read. Is this true, please tell me, as I want to know, yours etc.

John Lennon--This Is Your Life. Do you recognise that voice? It is Paul saying 'Let us write a song'. And that one? That is Paul saying 'Let us decide to form a group and in some years time we can begin to call it The Beatles if we can think up such a funny name in time'. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible and in the meantime you are missing a Kennomeat commercial on the other channel.

Old Days

'WHAT was it like in the old days, John?' ask the Beatle People I meet, 'What was it like before Brian Epstein became your manager?'. It was just the same really only less people wanted to know. We had more time and would sit around in the Blue Angel or the Jacaranda or the Cavern asking each other 'When are we going to get our big break?'. When nobody could supply an answer we would get in another round of cokes and sit there worrying. They were great times really because it does you good to have a lot of things to worry about. ('Yes, he's being serious now. You can tell when he's being serious. I think').

Paul has said that if one Beatle left the group we'd be back where we started seriously considering the idea of packing it all in. I know exactly how he feels. We four have become more than just a group. For well over two years the four of us have lived and worked closer to one another than brothers.

There are a couple of other members in this gang too. Brian is one and Neil is another. But the gang's all here so let's keep on rolling out the barrel.

In conclusion, Gentlemen. Unaccustomed as I am to making public speeches I now declare this bizarre open. There will now be a short intermission. Our sales assistants will visit all parts of the magazine selling frozen copies of John Lennon In His Own Wit on a stick."